Broken Jewel Box Dancer
by carissima
Summary: Emma needs to get away for the day, and she finds herself travelling a familiar road. SeanEmma oneshot.


**AN: Feel free to drop me a review!**

She had to get away. Away from the school, away from the house, away from the concerned looks that turned to suspicion as they questioned what she'd eaten that day, or when she'd last had something to eat, or how much she'd eaten. She needed to escape so that she could finally breathe again.

Climbing out of the bed she shared with Manny, she quickly threw on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt before grabbing her shoes and bag and quietly crossing the room towards the window they used to sneak out of the house. With a glance to make sure Manny was still asleep, Emma slowly opened the window, careful not to make a noise and risk waking anyone up. She pulled herself through the window and slipped on her shoes before getting into her car and pulling out of the driveway. Seeing as it was only 4am, the streets were blissfully empty, giving Emma the long desired feeling of freedom. There was no one judging her, no one staring at her, no one feeling disappointed or let down by her.

Rolling down her window, Emma let the air flow through her hair and kiss her cheeks, making her feel more alive than she had done in months. More alive than she'd felt in a year. She knew the exact minute she'd stopped feeling anything. The exact moment she'd stopped being Emma Nelson, perfect in every possible way, and she'd become Emma Nelson, constantly disappointing everyone. The moment that life had stopped and fear had possessed her, leaving nothing left but an empty shell that she'd tried to fill with the things that had fulfilled her before, but nothing fit anymore.

With a sigh, she reached over and flicked on the radio, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel as she flew down the streets and roads without a care or thought to where she was heading, only knowing that she couldn't stay there anymore.

An hour passed as she drove, and every mile she put between herself and home made her smile a little brighter. Until she looked out of the window and found something familiar about the passing trees and buildings. Her forehead wrinkled in thought as she tried to remember why she seemingly recognised streets she'd never driven down before. The last time she'd been out of town had been … Wasaga Beach. Sean had driven this route, this direction … and never come back. She'd thought she'd understood at the time, but she couldn't have. She'd accepted it, as she'd always accepted Sean's decisions, but she hadn't understood it until today.

Sean couldn't help her. All Sean had ever brought her was heartache and pain, and she didn't need any more of that in her life these days, since she was more than capable of doing it to herself. She should have taken one look at Sean Cameron and known he was trouble. Not because he looked dangerous or because of the rumors about his past, but because of way he looked at her. The way he saw inside her and the way he invited her to see inside him. Then, when she'd fallen too hard and too deep, he'd broken her heart. And instead of letting her hate him, he'd understood her pain and tried to make it easier for her.

Emma banged her hand on the steering wheel hard. Sean was not the answer to her problems, and he never had been. The moment he'd pushed her to the ground all those years ago, she'd known. Accident or not, she'd known they wouldn't work together, because they were too different. Except she'd given in and tried again. Only for him to yell at her mom and get drunk. She'd forgiven him, but it hadn't taken long for him to fall back into hurting her. Getting involved with Jay had been like his homecoming. The bad kid falling in with the bad crowd and getting into the trouble he'd avoided for so long. He'd broken her heart and stolen Snake's laptop, taking it all in his stride.

Emma parked the car and climbed out, looking out at the ocean she'd seen once before. The beach where she'd last spoken to Sean and told him that everything between them was ancient history. It was still ancient history, and it didn't need to be dragged up again, which is why she wasn't going to see Sean. She'd just take a stroll down the beach, maybe get her feet a little wet, and then she'd drive home.

Kicking off her shoes, she rolled up her jeans and took her first step onto the beach. The sand was hot already and it tickled her toes. A smile played at her lips as she stared at the ocean, admiring its vastness and the freedom it offered. A giggle escaped her lips as she started to run, dropping her shoes on the way and sprinting into the surf until the water reached her waist. Laughing, she splashed the water around her, letting the spray douse her face. Standing in the water, fully dressed and without a change of clothes or even a towel, Emma felt like a kid again. A child with no responsibilities, no troubles, no pain and no demons chasing her. She could almost see JT and Manny standing next to her and splashing each other as they tried to get close enough to dunk each other.

But they weren't here. She was alone and getting odd looks from early risers taking a morning stroll on the beach. Laughing to herself, she walked slowly towards the beach, her clothes heavy from the water and her feet squelching satisfactorily on the wet sand. She picked up her shoes and started her stroll along the beach, keeping her feet in the surf but letting the sun dry the rest of her before she caught a cold or something.

Coming to the beach was a good idea, she decided. The air was fresh and clean, the water was clear and blue, and the beach was litter-free and beautifully empty. Everything seemed so simple here. Nothing had been simple at home for a long time. There was no one checking up on her or what she was putting, or not putting, into her body. There were no whispers about her trip to the health clinic or what she caught from her trips to the ravine and Jay. There was no constant reminder of Rick or the day her life changed completely. There were no arguing parents or friends changing before her eyes.

Dropping onto the sand, Emma sat with her hands on the sand behind her and closed her eyes.

"Emma?"

It had been inevitable. They'd always managed to find each other when they didn't want to be found. She'd been silly to imagine she could come to his hometown and not run into him someplace.

Opening her eyes slowly, she shielded them as she looked up at the boy she hadn't seen in over a year.

His hair was longer.

"Hey Sean," Emma said brightly. "How's things?"

Sean just stared at her.

"I, er, I decided to have a day at the beach," Emma smiled gaily.

"This beach?" Sean said slowly. "By yourself?"

"I remembered it was beautiful," Emma sighed as she looked out over the water.

"Em, what are you doing here?" Sean asked bluntly.

"Sit with me," Emma invited as she patted the sand next to her.

Sean frowned at her before sitting where she'd indicated.

"I don't know what I'm doing here," Emma admitted, keeping her eyes on the water. "I got in my car and I just started driving. I didn't realise I was heading here until I'd been driving for over an hour."

"You must have had an early start," Sean noted.

"Sleeping isn't as easy as it used to be," Emma murmured. "Sean, I didn't mean to come here. I was just going to clear my head then head home."

"Oh," was Sean's carefully blank reply.

"Coming here makes no sense," Emma carried on hastily. "I mean, I haven't heard from you in a year. And it's not like we were really friends before you left. You and I don't make any sense, and we never did. Not as friends and not as …"

Sean's eyebrows rose as she trailed off.

"So, what have you been up to?" Emma asked, trying to mask her mortification over her crazy babbling.

"The usual," Sean shrugged as he looked at her, a frown still marring his brow. "I've got a year left before I graduate. I'm working part-time at a garage. The owner's offered me a job if I want it next year."

"Sean, that's great!" Emma tried to muster some enthusiasm into her voice. "I guess coming home suited you more than Degrassi ever did."

Sean considered Emma before answering. "Appearances can be deceiving. How's your life, Emma?"

"It's great!" Emma enthused. "I've got a boyfriend, and my parents are great and Manny and everyone are great, and I get great grades …"

"Great," Sean said dryly.

Emma finally took her eyes off the ocean and looked at Sean with sadness in her eyes.

"Em, tell me why you're here," Sean said gently.

"Remember when we first met, and life was so simple?" Emma's eyes started to fill and she blinked the moisture away. "Life hasn't been so simple since … that day, Sean."

Sean watched her as she spoke, her voice trembling slightly.

"My parents split up a few months ago," Emma admitted. "Because my Dad kissed Miss Hatzilakos. They're back together now, but it's not the same. It'll never be the same, no matter how much they pretend."

"That's not the reason you're here, Emma," Sean pointed out. "I'm sorry about your parents. But that's not what made you drive up here at six in the morning."

"Jay gave me … gonorrhoea," Emma burst out, before she scrambled to her feet and started walking towards her car.

Sean grabbed her arm and gently forced her to stop. "Emma, look at me."

Emma stubbornly refused. Sean turned her around and lifted her head with his hand.

"Jay gave you gonorrhoea?" Sean asked. "What the hell happened?"

"We fooled around," Emma said softly. "In the ravine. We didn't have sex or anything, but it … happened."

Sean said nothing.

"I was so empty, after the shooting," Emma explained. "Nothing I did made me feel. Being good, being perfect, it wasn't me anymore. I screwed up that day, Sean. I made Rick pick up that gun. I'm the reason he's dead. I'm the reason you left …"

"Emma …" Sean broke off, unsure of what to say.

"Jay made me feel again," Emma carried on. "I had to let go of the person I was before, because I wasn't her anymore."

"Em, it's okay," Sean said quietly.

"But it's not okay!" Emma cried as she wrenched her arm away from his grip. "The whole school knew what I did, because I had to go to the clinic. They still whisper it now and again."

"Ignore it," Sean said simply.

"I'm not like you, Sean," Emma pointed out. "I can't ignore it, or get angry and punch someone. I just want it to stop. I want everything to stop."

"You can't control what other people do, Emma, believe me," Sean murmured.

"I fainted at school two months ago," Emma said bluntly.

"You want to tell me why?" Sean asked.

"I wanted to control something. I couldn't control anything around me, so I controlled what I put in my body. I fainted because I had an eating disorder," Emma said as she sat back on the beach.

"Are you okay now?" Sean asked as he sat next to her.

"Apart from the constant stares and questions about what I eat every day, everything's just peachy," Emma said brightly.

"You're not the only one who isn't doing so well," Sean said quietly. "In the past year, I've come close to failing all my classes, I've gotten into three fights and I've come home drunk more times than I want to remember. Life isn't perfect in Wasaga Beach, Emma."

"How do you cope, Sean?" Emma asked him with a sigh. "I keep making mistake after mistake, and I don't know how to stop."

"There's no magic formula," Sean laughed dryly. "You just take each day as it comes. Gradually, it gets easier. Hurting yourself isn't going to help. Neither will trying to be perfect. You're not perfect, Em, and now you and everyone else realises that. Living life is nothing to be afraid of. You're alive, and you have a chance to live the life you want to. Don't try to control it, just live it."

"When did you get so wise, Sean Cameron?" Emma asked him with a smile on her lips.

"I've always been wise," Sean returned her smile.

"How come you never called?" Emma asked him.

"I didn't know what to say," Sean said simply.

"I know what you mean," Emma murmured before standing up and brushing the sand off her clothes. "I should be getting back home."

Sean nodded and walked her to her car.

"Thanks for listening, Sean," Emma said as she reached the car. Turning, she rested against the vehicle and looked up at him. "It was good to see you."

"It was good to see you too, Em," Sean reached out and caught a strand of her hair. "You look beautiful."

Emma blushed. "When I said that I don't know why I came here, I do know. I've always known. It's because you protect me. Even when you're hurting me, you protect me, Sean."

"Anytime you need saving, I'm here," Sean said with a smile as he let her hair fall back.

"Are you ever going to come back?" Emma asked softly.

"I don't know," Sean answered honestly.

"I miss you," she admitted. "I miss you in class, I miss talking to you, I miss arguing with you …"

"I honestly don't know if I'll ever come back to Toronto, Em. But as long as you're there, I'll always have a reason to come back," Sean said softly as he looked into her eyes.

She lifted her hand and put it over his heart. Sean smiled as he thought of what lay under her hand, and what she'd say if she knew. She reached up and gently pressed her lips against his, leaving an all too fleeting kiss on his lips. Then she stepped away and climbed into the car, reversing it slowly before pulling away, leaving him standing there just like she'd done last year.

As he faded from her rear-view mirror, Emma smiled to herself. She remembered their first dance, when she'd stopped him from getting into trouble with Raditch. She remembered dancing with him at her mom's wedding, when they'd gotten back together. She remembered his confession that he liked her, after he'd gotten drunk at Jimmy's party, and how she'd melted just hearing the words. She remembered him standing up for her when she and Toby had performed that lame dance, making everyone shut up and letting them finish. She remembered that he'd tried to pull her away from Rick, and kept his hand on her arm to let her know he was there, that she wasn't alone. She remembered the way he'd stood between her and the gun, when Rick had pointed it at her. She remembered the way he'd grabbed the gun and risked his own life when Rick had it aimed straight at her, and she remembered falling apart in his arms the day he'd walked out of her life.

She wasn't alone. Not really. She had Manny, and JT, Liberty, Toby and she had Peter. Her parents were back together and seemingly happy. She had good grades, and she had her eating under control.

Sean was right. Life wasn't perfect, and neither was she. But she didn't have to be. Smiling, Emma opened her window and cranked up the radio as she headed home.


End file.
